


The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity

by Fig Newton (sg_fignewton)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Illustrated, it's all about the hair, teamy goodness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 00:05:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11301618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg_fignewton/pseuds/Fig%20Newton
Summary: Daniel has a theory andinsistson explaining it. Written for the prompt:team, it's all about the hair.





	The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity

**Author's Note:**

> Written in February 2009 for the Gen Battle. Total cracky silliness, and illustrated by the always marvelous Ratcreature.

"No, it makes perfect sense." Daniel gestures as expansively as circumstances allow. "Back in the beginning, Sam's hair was shorter than mine."

"Yeah, you used more hair products than I did," Sam agrees cheerfully.

"But then I ended up with short hair!" Daniel slouches back against the wall, looking triumphant.

"Still not seeing the perfect sense here," Jack says.

"Remember when Sam's hair got really long and messy?"

"Hey!"

"Well, it did." Daniel points an accusing finger at Teal'c, who meets it with a raised eyebrow. "Right around the time you grew that blond chin caterpillar!"

 _"Daniel!"_ Sam tries to lean forward enough to whack him on the side of the head, but he's just out of her reach.

"I do not believe it looked like a caterpillar, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c objects.

Sam hesitates, than admits, "Well, I'm sorry, Teal'c, but it really did."

Teal'c frowns. "I see."

"But you shaved it off and Sam cut her hair back to regulation length, so everything's all right!"

"Daniel..." Jack is still wearing his patient face, but after long practice, he knows how to invest Daniel's name with an awful lot of meaning. This time, they all hear the added overtones of _you have exactly ten seconds to explain yourself before I haul off and thump you, even when I'm chained up like this,_ and Daniel's voice starts to accelerate.

"And when I went through the quantum mirror Sam had really long hair and _so did Teal'c_ , and the Doctor Carter who came through our mirror with Kawalsky had long hair too, _and_ the Teal'c of that universe had a goatee!" Daniel stops just long enough to take a breath, and finishes, "Don't you _see_?"

Jack leans slightly to his left and mutters in Sam's ear, "Did they _drug_ him with something else before they dragged us in here?"

"I'm not sure, sir," Sam answers. "Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."

"Short hair is good," Daniel insists. He eyes Teal'c, then adds, "Or no hair."

Teal'c gives him a gracious nod of acknowledgment.

"How about floppy hair?" Jack asks, giving up and playing along.

Daniel hesitates, then peers, cross-eyed, up at his own hairline. "Floppy hair isn't bad," he concedes, "but short hair is better. For _everyone._ " He nods firmly.

"Let's say you're right," Sam says. "How is that going to help us?"

Daniel opens his mouth, then closes it.

"Thought so," Jack snorts.

"It wasn't supposed to _help_." Daniel tries to cross his arms and fails, and the chains jingle in protest. His eyebrows take up the slack instead. "It's just an _observation_. Whenever we come across a universe where we have long hair, there's always trouble."

"In fact, O'Neill, if Daniel Jackson's theory is correct, then we can apply it to future encounters. It might assist us in determining whom we can trust." 

"Thank you, Teal'c," Daniel beams.

"All right, all right. _Fine._ " 

Jack tries not to roll his eyes as the dungeon door rumbles open, and their evil dopplegangers march inside, waving their weapons threateningly. Carter's hair is tied back in a braid that reaches down to her knees, Jackson and O'Neill each have shoulder-length hair and flowing beards, and Teal'c sports unruly dreadlocks.

"All right," Jack sighs again. "I'll admit it. It really _is_ all about the hair."


End file.
